Frustrating

Well I went to see my neurologist Wednesday and I am on more medication. I seriously hate it. But on the upside I am off my high blood pressure and reflux medicine. And even though I haven't had a real deal flopping on the floor seizure I still can't drive. Because I am still having absence seizures. I am really hoping that with this new medication combo I can get out of the house. But I have been feeling better all around in the past few days since starting this new regime. My daughter is happy about that since we homeschool starting at about 8 am. And I can finally sleep. Oh how I have missed sleep. The grogginess isn't as bad as I thought but about ten minutes after taking all of the meds I feel like the house is slanted and I was told that I am funnier than usual.

But I broke my stall and fit into a dress that I haven't been able to wear in three years. I have a hard time thinking how big I was during Easter.

Big difference. It's actually really hard to look at. But I'm grateful to have a husband that loved me beyond the weight gain and keeping me accountable now.

Anyway my birthday is on Monday and tomorrow my husband and I will have a night to ourselves. And going to a bariatric friendly restaurant and I will celebrate with my family Monday at another bariatric friendly restaurant. First really going to a Indian restaurant and I am not counting the Korean restaurant that my mom cousin owns. But I looked up the menus to both and called to make sure about substitutions and such.

I am so excited about my birthday now than I have in years. And my daughter has decided to make a watermelon cake for me. So glad to see her grow up.

I'll wrap this up. And remember to think before you eat.

Grazing and insomnia

I have never been able to go to sleep easily or at a decent time of night. Some days I am tired but for the most part I am fine.

For the first few weeks after surgery I slept like a baby. But since then I haven't. And just last week is when some supreme boredom kicked in to high gear.

I watched movies, read books and played games on my tablet but one night last week I decided to eat some grapes at 2am. And that is when the grazing began. 

Now before you say anything my grazing has only included grapes, cherries and yogurt. Not bad but it's nothing I should be eating late at night.

I would usually have some carrot sticks if I wanted a snack after dinner or even water. But by the middle of the week I began having some crazy anxiety. And instead of talking about it with my husband I went to my old best friend, food.

When I finally talk to my husband today he gave me comforting words and remind me to get not be mad at myself and to get back on track. And believe me my husband and daughter will make sure I do.

But the anxiety happens about the same time every year since 2012. Why? Because on during the summer of 2011 I began to feel awful. And I mean awful. Think of the flu mixed with a hangover. I celebrated my birthday on September 15th and by September 28 is when it got worse. That day I passed out while taking to my daughter. The ambulance came and I awoke in a emergency room.

Hours later I was told I had a infection due to a autoimmune problem and would be discharged later in the week. A lot of drama insured after that. I was put in ICU and was told a few hours later that I had cancer. During my hospital stay I was put in ICU three times and hospice  once. The doctors told my family to prepare for the worst. But by October 25 I began to come around and was put in the cancer unit. But Halloween I was in remission. But I was finally discharged March 24 and was told that I was in complete remission.

I may be repeating the story but that experience is the one part of my life that makes me scared beyond belief. So this time of year I get really frightened and my nerves are shot.

So when you begin to graze or consider to eat things that you know you shouldn't, especially late at night, ask yourself..Why are you eating? Are you really hungry? Is there something on your mind? Really rationalize everything you put in your mouth.

Anyway I hope you enjoyed my long post. And be mindful of what you eat and whym

Post Op and Beyond

  I know that I have been a very bad blogger. Well this very bad blogger has been an outstanding bariatric patient if I say so myself. But seriously I have been doing well. I don't know how well I'd be doing if I didn't have my husband and daugther. They make sure to keep me in line even if faultier for wanting a sugar free candy. These people are like bariatric Hitlers'. But I am thankful for that. Not many are thankful for any Hitler like regime. And that is meant to be funny. So laugh or get over it.

 So I saw the surgeon for the first time March 31 of this year and the following week had my first visit with the nutritionist. The surgeon wanted me down to 290 for surgery. So I jumped all the hoops of the sleep study, EGD, psych eval and a number of nutrition classes and my the first week in June I was done and sitting back in the surgeons office weighing at 289. Whoop whooop!!

 I was sleeved on June 23 and was walking around about an hour or so after surgery. I was discharged the following day. And the emotional roller coaster began. Mostly because my epilepsy was flaring up like crazy and I began to wish that I never gotten the surgery done. But I would quickly remind myself when I weighed in at 315 pounds. That always pushed me back to reality. But it was far from easy.

 I walked like the doctor suggested and continued the liquid diet until I saw him the week after surgery. After that I was on full liquids. I so enjoyed watery mashed potatoes and applesauce. And slowly I made my way back to regular bariatric diet at six weeks. And was cleared by the surgeon to workout. He recommended to workout five days or more a week. Well....I try. I'm not going to lie. But the left side of my body is severely weaker than the right.

During chemo in 2011 I suffered a stroke and have right frontal lobe brain damage. It doesn't make things easy but I am noticing a huge difference as I lose more weight. But trying to workout for more than 30 minutes my left arm and leg become very heavy and the pain is something special. So now I plan my workouts around appointments or outings with my family. That way I know I am getting in a lot of walking on those days and on the days that I'm not out and about I do my workouts at home. I separated them to give my left side a break.

An example of my home workout. On a side note we homeschool so during the times my daughter is doing written work I do my workouts as well. So...here...we...go.

During every commercial break or homeschool break/down time I do the following:

10 squats
10 wall push ups
10 lunges
10 donkey kicks (I'm sure that there is a technical name for this)

So that is the first round. At the next break I work with dumbbells or resistance band and work my arms and back. So I alternate between these until around 4 pm. I work my abs around 9 pm and stretch. My sleeve doesn't like abs workouts at all. Not..one..bit. So I wait until I know my sleeve is empty. It is getting better at a little over two months out. But I don't want to push my diva of a sleeve.

Okay! So at over two months out I have so far lost 60 pounds total. Weighing in at 255. I don't regret my sleeve. I get a little crossed at it because I feel that what I knew of WLS before I was sleeved makes you think that you snap your fingers and the weight is gone. So that still runs through my head at times. I know better but that thinking has been there longer than what I taught by my surgeon and nutrition staff. But I can say that I am proud of myself and my self control.

So next is hitting the 70 pound mark and I know that is right around the corner.

Thanks for reading my ramblings!

I have been a very bad blogger. Shame on me.
 I promise to post in depth this weekend. Things are finally slowing down and the real hard work is beginning.

Control, Alt, Delete

  A constant question I have heard say - not just me but in general.

"How did you get here?"

  This could be taken in context to a variety of answers and meanings. For me I honestly know how I got to where I am. At 315 pounds and constant pain and feeling as I deserved this fate. At one time I and sometimes when my mind wonders, I feel like I was dealt this card to make life easier on the people in my life. Confidence was never my strong suit. But great at pretending. So onward to life with a smile. A constant phrase I told myself.

  On September 28, 2011 I had been down and out with a 'flu' that I was trying to put at bay for the whole summer that had passed. But on this day the hammer fell. I remember speaking to my daughter about a Popsicle and standing up. After that my first clear memory was seeing my husbands face.

  After being in the ER for about 30 minutes a doctor came in and dismissed my symptoms and my husbands accounts of how my failing health. He ordered labs and I would be discharged after confirmation of the labs.

  With my husband at my side the doctor rushed into the room wearing a paper mask with one in hand. I nursed followed him. And he seemed freaked out.( I still think he felt like a tool by not taking me seriously.) He gave my husband an extra mask and stated that I had a low blood count and he was going to admit me to ICU. I was scared beyond. I can only remember having only two colds in my adult life I don't get sick.

  A few days before this I went to the gym with my husband and I had a huge bruise on the inside of my forearm. But didn't take this in much regard. I was losing weight at the time and I was about 180 I think. Before I was about 220.

  That night in the ICU a new doctor came into the room. Before he could introduce himself I read the words "Oncology". Tears were streaming down my face. I was diagnosed with Acute promyelocytic leukemia. After this everything was a blur.

  I was in and out of ICU and was told I was trying to kick in deaths door. And my some crazy twist of fate I was in remission my Halloween of 2011. During this time in the hospital I had a stroke and seizure from the chemo along with many other things.

  I continued in the hospital until March 24th of 2012. At that time my weight fluctuated from 180 to 220. But I was in complete remission from the APL. But had a long road back to walking, seeing and doing some basic tasks. 

  Picture of my daughter and I a year and half before cancer.

But dealing with the pain, chemo side effects my mind was unraveling. I found comfort in candy. They were the only thing I could taste and most of the times the only thing I ate.

So years past and medical problems were building. I couldn't stand or walk for more than a few minutes. That just mad me feel sorry for my self more and more.

During a check up with my epilepsy doctor began worrying about my weight. We tried a few different things for me to try. But don't was working. But when I weighed in at 315 pounds she told me to look into bariatric surgery. She was so afraid of my high heart rate and was almost in tears while speaking to me.

So I spoke to my husband and he just told me to do what I needed so we could grow old together and watch our daughter grow up.

So I made my way to Reshape Bariatric on March 31st of this year. Dr. Bagshahi was very is a dream. Very nice and caring. So after the appointment I began my journey to the pre-op world of bariatric surgery. And after June 6th of this year I'll be able to meet with him again to set a date for surgery. His suggested surgery was the gastric sleeve. Hence, Sleeve Me Alone.

But as of now I am standing strong and tall at 298 pounds. I gave up sugar, even though I crave like a crack head. He ask me to be at 290 for my next visit with him. I'm aiming for at least 285. I am really pushing my self. I have a lot of pain from working out and even standing. 

I am not feeling sorry for my self.

I am not depending on food to make me feel better.

I am finally knocking out the scared and weak person I became after cancer. And finding the fighter I was before. I am taking control. I am taking care of me! 

So this program that had me running slow and defeated is getting Control, Alt, Deleted.